Well, This is Uncomfortable
Well, This is Uncomfortable
“90 percent of all management problems are due to miscommunication.” -Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People
Have you ever struggled with communication at work? I mean, really struggled? Struggled with communication so much that you were literally pulling your hair out? I’ve been there. It was not pretty. I worked on a team to complete a big project that was months in the making. There was one person on the team that I could not communicate with. We weren’t picking up what the other person was putting down. Yes, we were in the same workgroup. Yes, we were working on the same project. But I would say “A” and he would hear “B” and vice versa. It was a disaster.
I asked him one day if he was having difficulty communicating with me. He said he wasn’t. I asked him if he felt we were making progress in our work. He thought we were. I didn’t see the progress we were supposed to be making. I felt we were at a standstill. I wondered how we could be so far off base. Even so, he continued working on his tasks and I continued working on my tasks. We weren’t in collaboration with each other and if we stayed this far off course, the full project would never be done. It would be a half-done project and wouldn’t be the best work from either of us. It would be a failure.
We needed to start communicating better. But first, we needed to agree that we needed to communicate better. We needed to find common ground, not just the common goal of finishing the project. We needed to put ourselves away and find our “team” selves. We had work to do if we wanted this project to be a success. This communication dilemma got me thinking about team dynamics and communication. Why don’t people communicate like they should? What can we do to communicate more effectively? Turns out, there’s a lot that each of us can learn about effective communication. A lot.
Why don’t people communicate the way they should?
They don’t think there’s a problem with their communication
They don’t want to face harsh truths
They don’t think it’s their responsibility to broach the subject
They don’t think it’s their problem and so they don’t need to do anything about it
They have different communication styles
They’re too focused on other things to realize there’s something wrong
They don’t have time
What holds people back from effective communication?
Fear
An unpleasant often strong emotion caused by expectation or awareness of danger
We anticipate how the other person will react if we have a direct conversation with them. We are afraid of hurting their feelings or saying the wrong thing. These could be ideas we think and we are creating anticipation that may not rightfully be there.
Frustration
Feeling of discouragement, anger, and annoyance because of unresolved problems or unfulfilled goals, desires, or needs
We may be frustrated at ourselves for letting a situation get out of control. We may be frustrated that the other person doesn’t pick up the fact that they need to change their behavior.
Worry
To afflict with mental distress or agitation : Make anxious
We may be worried for many reasons. We may be worried we’ll lose our jobs if we don’t do well on the project. We may be worried about external reasons that take our focus away from the conversation we need to have.
Personal Biases and Assumptions we make
Learned beliefs, opinions, or attitudes that people are unaware of and often reinforce stereotypes
We need to let go of the biases that we can bring into conversation.
Different Communication Styles
Because we come from different backgrounds and experiences, we learn how to communicate differently. Knowing about different communication styles and how to adapt to those styles, helps to understand the person with whom you’re communicating.
Understanding what’s holding you back from effective communication can be the key to unlocking successful communication.
Earlier in my career, I caught myself avoiding conversations because I didn’t want to hurt other people's feelings. I was afraid that I would say the wrong thing. I was making assumptions about my communication style and how someone would react, rather than say the thing that needed to be said. I wasn’t direct in my communication. I would make quiet comments hoping the other person would understand the feedback I was trying to give them. It never worked. I became more frustrated because they weren’t changing their behavior. Until I realized that I needed to change. I needed to be more direct in my communication and remove ambiguity. I could still be kind and supportive in my communication. But I needed to be direct.
I took communication classes that helped me understand communication styles. I reached out to successful mentors who were kind and supportive in their communication. I did change my style so I could be a more effective communicator and a better leader.
What failures in communication have you seen? What did you learn from those failures?
It’s a multi-layered topic and I’d love to learn your thoughts on communication. Comment here or find me on LinkedIn and comment there.
Additional Resources to help in communication:
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High
Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Emily Gregory
Atlas of the Heart, Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience
Brené Brown
